If Joe Carter’s HR Had Happened Today…

To the Philadelphia Phillies, Baseball Fans, and Mitch Williams:

I deeply regret my actions after I hit the World Series-winning home run yesterday. I was simply caught up in the moment and I showed a complete lack of respect for the game of baseball. My actions do not in any way reflect upon the Toronto Blue Jays organization, and I can assure you that the appropriate punitive measures are being taken. I apologize to those I have offended, and I would also like to apologize personally to Mr. Williams, as I certainly did not intend to “show him up” in any way.

Respectfully yours,

Joe Carter

Non-Gaming Embarrassment

Matt Duchene, who took less money to remain with the Avalanche, by the way, is clearly not a team player, not like that consummate professional Ryan O’Reilly, who sat out an entire season over money and then was traded to Buffalo for a horrible return. Yesterday, following the Avalanche 5-1 loss to the St. Louis Blues, Patrick Roy (another consummate professional who has never showboated in his life), called out Matt Duchene for his horribly over-the-top celebration: he lifted his arms and dared to smile for a brief second. See all the damning evidence!


Predictably, this caused a firestorm of rage amongst hockey fans. A 13-page thread (as of right now) sprung up on HFBoards. Here’s some choice quotes from various HFBoards users:

“Duchene’s first reaction celly kinda speaks volumes about where his head is in and before that moment.”

hirawl (http://hfboards.hockeysfuture.com/showpost.php?p=116327731&postcount=57)

I can kind of see where hirawl is coming from here. After all, no team has ever come back from a 4-1 deficit to win a game.

“Duchene was obviously dwelling on one thing–getting 30. That’s not a guy I want as my teammate. What a selfish mindset and action.”

State of Hockey (http://hfboards.hockeysfuture.com/showpost.php?p=116328591&postcount=99)

After he was called out on his lack of ability to read Duchene’s mind, he doubles down:

“The problem is where his mind is–personal goals instead of the team. No wonder Colorado has problems top to bottom.”

State of Hockey (http://hfboards.hockeysfuture.com/showpost.php?p=116328763&postcount=105)

“Celebrating a 30th goal like that in a game that put the nail in the coffin was wrong. Duchene shouldn’t be happy, your team just blew it, you should be upset, and embarrassed that your team has collapsed upon itself during the final two weeks of the season.”

ORLY (http://hfboards.hockeysfuture.com/showpost.php?p=116329129&postcount=121)

I feel like the user name really speaks for itself here.

“I totally agree with Roy – it’s a loser mentality.”

sutekii (http://hfboards.hockeysfuture.com/showpost.php?p=116331401&postcount=147)

I totally agree here. Scoring goals is quite a loser mentality. After all, no team has ever come back from a 4-1 deficit to win a game. If the Boston Bruins were real winners, they just would have given up and cried in the corner.

“Plays for the name on his back rather than the logo on the front… you’ll never win a cup with players like this.”

Gary Bettman Fan (http://hfboards.hockeysfuture.com/showpost.php?p=116331925&postcount=150)

I totally agree here, as well. No hockey team has ever won the Stanley Cup while scoring goals.

The thread goes sane for a bit, but then the real insanity starts showing up.

“I agree that Duchene needs to put a little more stock into winning then personal milestones,”

HockeyGuruPitka (http://hfboards.hockeysfuture.com/showpost.php?p=116336363&postcount=212)

That’s right! You tell him. Scoring goals has never contributed to winning hockey games, ever.

“Duchene should know better.”

KPower (http://hfboards.hockeysfuture.com/showpost.php?p=116336667&postcount=216)

…than to score a meaningless goal. After all, no team has ever come back from a 4-1 deficit to win a game.

“Down 4-0 and reacting like you got the OT winner is not a good look.”

Hennessy (http://hfboards.hockeysfuture.com/showpost.php?p=116336903&postcount=221)

I can only assume that Hennessy has never actually seen a team score an OT winner.

“He’s jumping around like that was Game 7 of the Stanley Cup in overtime.”

Stone Marks Another

I shouldn’t be too hard on him. As a Sens fan, he probably won’t ever have the joy of experiencing a Stanley Cup championship.

“Why showboat and be selfish?”


“I’m to the point where I hope Duchene scores a big goal in the next game and skates over to the bench with his arms at his side, no expression on his face, and just sits on the end of the bench. It’d be a good **** you to Roy.”


I would be down with this. Unfortunately, Blueton disagrees.

“Hey if he did that maybe it would have sent a message to the team that he doesn’t care what personal accomplishment he just got, the object is to win and they weren’t doing that.”


“Jesus, it is not worth of Stanley Cup winning celebration…

I call it a disrespect to everybody. If I was at that game, I would not pay for a ticket to see Duchene hit the 30th mark. I would pay for to see team’s win and effort. I bet Landeskog and other players weren’t on the ice to support Duchene’s own effort to reach the mark. I can’t imagine what Landy and his teammates was thinking about when they saw Duchene going crazy.”

Eurolanche, HFB Partner

Based on the final score, Landeskog and other players weren’t on the ice to do much of anything.

“It’s obviously stupid to base Duchene’s character and ability to be a team player on one moment though”


The voice of reason.

“The only thing Duchene cares about is his personal achievements, you would never see Toews celebrate a goal like that when his team just got practically eliminated from the playoffs.”


Another difference between the two is that Toews is rarely in a position to be practically eliminated from the playoffs.

So, hockey fans, what say you? How many lashes should Duchene receive for his over-the-top classless celebration?

Time To Lose More Geek Cred

In case you still thought I had any geek cred remaining, well, this should just about completely torpedo that:

I never, never, got the fascination with Summer Glau.

(I think this is mostly because I also never, never, got the fascination with Firefly, either. But that’s a subject for a different time.)

It comes off as massively creepy sometimes, mostly because I can never figure out if these people like Summer Glau or if they like River Tam. I can (kind of) see where there’d be some physical attraction, but you could never have any kind of connection with River beyond the sex. Just so many levels of wrong there.

On the other hand, with Summer, you’ve got yet another one-note sort-of-attractive actress who gets a pass because she’s “geeky like me”, and the gravy train always quickly runs out for those actresses. Summer’s not appearing much because nobody really wants or needs another Rei Ayanami expy cluttering up their movie. And instead of supporting her, geeks immediately dropped her broke ass and latched onto Zooey Deschanel. (To her credit, though, she did (500) Days of Summer and showed that she had some range beyond Manic Pixie Dream Girl. Still no excuse.)

So geeks: Once you’ve dumped Zooey for the next “awkward” one-note actress to come along, think about what you did to poor River Tam.

Welcome Back!

In this post: I talk about iOS games. Then on page two, I talk about Destiny. Then I stop talking.

Terra Battle

The most anticipated iOS release for October was Terra Battle, and it definitely did not disappoint. The game had reached 500k downloads within a week of release, and while I suspect it won’t reach some of the loftier goals, the perks we’re getting are definitely worth it.

The game is played on a grid, where your units and the enemy units face off. To attack, you must move your units in a way that they flank an enemy unit. While you can only move one of your units at a time, you can push your other units into position by dragging over them as you move. You’ll want to plan moves in advance, because your units can provide support if they’re inline with an attacking unit. With some clever movement, you can set up your units so that they simultaneously attack and provide support, all during the same move.

You’ll need to do this, too, because the game definitely stops pulling punches around the fourth or fifth chapter. Players who were there from day one have a bit of an advantage in the form of Kuscah, a mage who heals the units who support an attack with him. Like Fire Emblem, the game features a rock-paper-scissors weapon system, where spear beats sword, sword beats bow, and bow beats spear.

I can’t recommend this game enough. Pick it up now.


This game also got a ton of attention in the iOS community when Apple heavily featured it during their iPhone 6 event. The makers, Super Evil Megacorp, tout it as “the MOBA perfected for touch”, and let’s face it, that’s a bold claim. If they can deliver, it’ll go a long way towards legitimizing the iOS gaming community. They’re currently soft-rolling out the game throughout various regions. No word on when it’s coming to the US App Store, but it is available in southeast Asia, if you’d like to create an account in that region.

The game currently requires iOS 6 and supports the iPad 2 or later, the iPhone 6, and the iPhone 6 Plus, but they do plan on supporting other devices in the future. I would think the iPhone 5S wouldn’t be completely crazy, but I wouldn’t count on support for the iPhone 5C or earlier. If you have a device that can run this game, I highly recommend to keep checking their site to see if the game is out in the USA.

Castaway Paradise

I had high hopes for this game. I was thrilled about the idea of an Animal Crossing-like game on iOS. But man, this game is just not that good.

It controls fine, although the touch-to-move is a bit jarring compared to the virtual joystick controls that you’d expect the game to use. What’s particularly off-putting about the game is how cluttered the game screen gets, even on my iPad mini. It wouldn’t be so bad if the game didn’t insist on popping up timers for every little thing, complete with the option to use premium currency to speed it up. It’s like a double dose of pain: the game clutters up your screen with offers to make them go away if you just pull out your wallet.

Dr. Reality and Mr. Internet

I used to go to NeoGAF, one of, if not the biggest gaming forums on the Internet. Then I realized everyone there was angry all the time. Or insane. Or both. Mostly both.

I think the biggest reason why gamers seem like angry little balls of hate online is because they never learned how to manage it. Instead, they just hold it all in, letting it build up and build up until it explodes. All over the Internet. Incidentally, this is also why they seem normal in the real world: because they can’t express their disappointment or anger in a way that doesn’t make them look insane, they have no choice but to act not insane, until they get to the safety of the Internet, where the insanity just flows out like a volcano.

This is why gaming forums are mostly useless piles of crap. When that many defective people congregate in the same place, all with the same freedom to express their insanity, well, it’s a recipe for disaster.

As a side note, this is why GameFAQs is in some ways one of the least defective gaming forums out there. Having separate boards for each game and system seems to do a good job keeping people with the same defects together, instead of mixing different flavors of insanity in one giant blob of the worst Jell-O you’ll ever see.

I can understand how this happened with the older gamers: they grew up in a different era, where they were frequently picked on and were socially ostracized for being a gamer. A bit of lashing out was probably expected. You’d think that those gamers would be a bit more understanding, but nope. They love to exclude each other. It’s like those bullied kids who become cops so they can finally get their “revenge”, except it involves a lot less effort.

In retrospect, this was probably an inevitable result. And there’s certainly worse ways of managing your anger. I just think it’s awful that gamers ruined their portions of the Internet for themselves. The Internet had the potential to be a great way for gamers to connect with other gamers, but instead they turned it into their own personal high school.